Daddy's Little Girl

Daddy's Little Girl

A Forgotten Daughter

I am the one that is easily forgotten that everyone overlooks, she’s ok, she looks ok but inside she is hiding, bottling emotions, hiding from the world not wanting to come out and play. When it was Christmas time I was hiding under my bed, my brother and sister where down by the Christmas tree already opening their presents. No, I wanted to stay hidden under my bed so no one would see me. My special power became my invisibility I wanted to be invisible I didn’t want the attention; I was my dad’s cushion a comforter as he confided in me his woes his story’s just like my Mum who lost her mum at 4 years old. I was like a sponge taking in all the emotional pain of my Mum and Dad’s losses.

Both my Mum and Dad came from broken families. My Dad grew up in war torn Germany his parents were actors in the theatre he was one of 7 brothers and sisters, he was scared. He was punished locked in the basement afraid to come out when he did something wrong. There was violence in his family growing up, his brothers and sisters would fight throw glasses at each other theatrical expressions became his emotional outbursts at home. We would go out as a family to our local restaurant pizza hut and I remember enjoying nice pizza and salad but no I didn’t want to be noticed, I just wanted to have a nice time. But My Dad decided something was wrong he stood up and shouted, everybody in the restaurant looked at us, it was embarrassing , I felt ashamed to be in my family as I never knew when my Dad would suddenly stop and do something completely outrageous, the pain he caused my mother as I grew up she lost her looks he rejected her and wanted a younger woman.

He didn’t hold back on his sexual outlet; he would honestly talk to me about his sexual desires for a younger woman as Mum didn’t want sex anymore. I loved my Mum so much she worked so hard as my dad lost his job when I was a teenager and he got depressed; he stayed in his room. My Mum worked night and day to bring us, to provide the food on our table as my dad hopelessly just let himself get more and more depressed and angry, he would have car accidents.

I was 7 years old when he drove my sister and me to see Ballet in the Opera house in Sydney but unfortunately his reckless driving round a corner he took the corner too sharp  ended up our little madza car spun out of control and hit another car right in the front seat where my Mum would have sat (she would have died possibly, thankfully she wasn’t in the car, all I could think about was my Mum could have died and I screamed my left foot got stuck in the car door,  I still have an injury memory of my left foot now ankle the pain, hearing my screams, the shock. My older sister was clever she pulled her head down and covered and protected herself I didn’t and that accident broke my relationship with my father further he wasn’t a safe person for me.

I was his cushion his comfort and he continued confiding in me telling me he was going to divorce my mum when I was 5 years old, that fear again continued I had nightmares of fires repetitive dreams.  Car accidents kept happening, my best friend in school her name was Briget. I used to go to her house for play dates, and we really enjoyed each other's company. We would play barbie dolls together, we would have baths together, we just loved each other’s company. One day her Mum was driving home and her car got hit by a truck and exploded into flames!! There was no time to save her, she was gone just like that outside their beautiful home. I was so upset as we were best friends.

I didn’t know how to comfort her I was only 8 years old at the time. I watched what happened on our local news, we got invited to the funeral, but my Mum and Dad wouldn’t take me, I didn’t know what to do I was waiting for my mum and Dad to show me. We didn’t go to the funeral and Bridget found that really hurtful. I tried to comfort her at school; she didn’t want to know me anymore I lost my friendship with her that rejection that hurt stayed with me my whole life not knowing what the right thing is to do I blamed myself my parents. I moved on into high school I made new friends people change for better or worse. I moved schools to Hawkesbury High.

I was very popular in my final year of primary school. I was little miss good goody two shoes, I loved school, school was my sanctuary, I loved learning. My home life was scary My Dad was unpredictable and hurtful nobody knew at that time about mental health, it really affected my younger brother. One of the games we use to play I use to take the garden hose and tie him up just pretend, he listened to me we had a close relationship. I did not realize how badly my dad and my Mum failed him until he got older, he was neglected in school, he didn’t do well in school nobody paid any attention to him. Until he was grown up a young man, my dad treated him so badly now all that anger and resentment built up in him, and he started to take it out on my dad twice as bad. My Dad got scared he called the police they came to our house, and I remember watching my brother being pushed to the grown it was so cruel and taken away in hand cuffs.

My Dad denied all responsibility; it was not him that broke our family. I tried many time to confront him to take responsibility. He was the one that our family inheritance and went o Hawaii with all my mum and Dad’s savings to become a Millionaire he joined Tony Robbin’s seminars walking on fire, he came back elated so happy he could do anything all the money we had he started to gamble on the stock exchange he followed advice but lost everything all our money was gone. I never wanted to be like my Dad I ended up also having financial troubles myself my whole life spirally out of control, I gave my mum’s inheritance to a man I trusted thinking he would be a good man I lost it all. I never wanted to have money problems in my life that is what I am facing broke unhappy in a love relationship. I am a middle-aged woman with a beautiful partner and son and I am living on the edge I am on eggshells the whole time never being allowed to express myself allowing others to dominate my life I was scared a scary cat.

When I was young, I was pretty I married as soon as I could a Thai man I sought fortune tellers' advice. My Dad told me to fuck off when I was eighteen, I moved out of home. My home was broken; I broke our family more. I became a heart breaker of men’s hearts.

Run Away Girl

I thought I could fall in love with Orrr and I did, I was shy I didn’t know about intimacy Mum and Dad never told me about sex, my sister got sexually abused by an older man who she was working for on her first job. I ended up Marrying a Thai man for safety. I feel in love with Thai culture. I Wanted to escape run away. Runaway girl that was me at 7 years old I tried to run away from home I had nowhere to run to just down the road my dad came after me. I remember crying outside sitting by the water tank on my own crying my eyes by myself. I learnt not to show my feelings in order to protect myself from Mum and Dad. I became a pleaser very early on in life I learnt how to behave as a girl you please others, you pretend what is your pleasure I put on an act I was very good, I was very convincing nobody knew I was suffering inside, nobody cared about me. I have been running away my whole life.

Pretty in Pink   

 She lived not far from me. Her house was in nature big, long dirt driveway to get her house. She told stories at school of one morning waking up and there was a snake in her Mum and Dad’s chest of draws, same for me. I woke up one morning there was a huge goanna walking up our driveway one day there was a red belly black snake in our garden, and I remember my dad getting the axe and slicing it up killing the snake into pieces. At Christmas time he drugged the turkey with alcohol and had to kill the turkey for our Christmas dinner I was horrified.

All of this impacted me later on as young adult growing up

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