Dear Dad,

This is the rest of my life that I never told you about all the things that happened to me when I grew up and left home never turning back even to say hello. I wanted to run away when I was a little girl I tried to run away from you as you hurt me so much but I could not.

I just remember walking down the drive way when I was seven years old holding my mr Smurf teddy and looking at the road thinking to myself where am I going to sleep tonight until I heard my Mum calling out my name and no one could find me and I just kept walking until you came running after me and caught me and brought me home. When I was a little girl you told me I was your cushion, your comfort you confided in me your troubles and I was a good little girl I listened to all your stories, I listened to all your pain but I did not know how to process it.

I just kept all my emotions and tears to myself and use to run outside and sit by myself on the concrete water tank and cry my eyes out as it hurt so much to hear your fears, your terrors of when you were locked up in the basement in Germany and scared by your family when it was world war two and there was violence and drama in your family and you were the youngest of seven brothers and sisters and your parents were actors and they use to fight and throw glass at each other and run and hide from the Germans.

I understand it must have been really scary when you were a child, You were nine years younger than my Mum who also lost her Mum when she was four years old as she was exhausted from having had so many children, she worked so hard in the farm where she grew up and her father didn't have anyone who could look after his children so he put an advertisement in the newspaper advertising for a wife and along came my Mothers step mother who pretended to love my grandfather but it was all a lie as she just wanted the money she hated children and treated my mother so badly, she was left in the cold freezing winters with very little food. I remember she said they had to leave their family home she was also one of 8 children and run from the bombs as France was bombed in world war two.

So you both met in Australia leaving your pasts behind and started a new life together and I thought you really loved my Mum , you fell in love with her even though she was older and my Mum really wanted a family, she was a natural mother. My sister was born first when she was 38 years old and I remember my mum saying she was very demanding baby every morning crying and 6 am for her bottle and then 2 years later when my Mum was 40 and you were 31. I came along and my mum told me I was an easy baby, not asking for much attention I could settle myself and I think my mum was happy with 2 and then by accident 2 years later my younger brother came along by accident. You never shared how you coped as a Dad were you happy when I was a baby, it seemed like you were and we enjoyed having cuddles and I remember you made me a doll house which I really loved. I understand you tried your best but had a lot of problems and struggles yourself emotionally and I saw as I got older how difficult it was for you.

Being a provider having a steady job never seemed to work out, you did your best with one job in real estate and then you lost that job and tried to get another. I remember you worked in our local supermarket, first on the shelves packing the food and then you worked your way up to manager and I was so proud of you. You took me and my sister to the ballet in our little mazda car driving us to Sydney  but you lost control at the wheel and our car spun out of control and crashed into another car and I was sitting on the left hand side of the door and it was that door that hit the other car and my left leg and foot got trapped in the door.

I remember screaming and I turned to my sister and she had ducked her head down but I just sat their frozen in shock and the all glass smashed into my face and  I could not move I was stuck  I was frozen and out car came to a sudden stop, Thank fully you were ok and I remember if my Mum had been with us that day she probably would have died as the front seat where she would have sat was completely smashed in. I remember people coming to help me come out of the car and someone drove us home and all I did was cry all the way home. From that night on my nightmares started. I had dreams of that car exploding into flames and us all dying and then shortly afterwards my best friends mum died in a horrific car accident outside her house and we watched on the news I could not believe what happened, it happened so fast she was driving home and then this huge oil tanker lost control and spun around and she just happened to in front, there was no one else in the car she had just driven away to get groceries and made her way home on the motor way and this truck lost control and blew up in flames and her and her car went up in flames and I lost my best friends mum.

I was frozen I was in shock I did not understand how to process grief. I did not know that I should have gone to the funeral and we should have gone as a family but you did not take me, you just left me to deal with it by myself and my Mum was also at a loss she did not realise that that was also her role to support me in my tears and my nightmares she just left me by myself. I lost my best friend after that. I think looking back, she was busy with bringing up all of us, my Dad had lost his job and she was working with her sewing machine at night repairing clothes as my Aunt her sister had a shop  in Sydney in Double Bay which was called La Buttonnaire, my Mum worked from home bring up 3 kids on her own whilst my dad struggled after our car accident, it broke our trust I did not feel safe with him in the car but I did not have a choice, he was our driver, the tow truck brought our smashed car home and I remember I accidently touched the broken glass and cut my finger and that wound did not heal for a while and my mum use to worry a lot about my Dad after that she would confide in me her worries.

I hope your Dad is coming home soon and I hope he is ok. Eventually we got a new car but unfortunately it happened again, he was driving by himself this time and the sun was shining it was in the late afternoon, he was not paying attention  to the hills as his car moved across the middle of the road and hit head on another child's parent that went to our school. I could not believe it when I went to school that my dad was responsible for injuring another child's Mum and she has broken her arm and had concussion, and my dad came away without any injuries. These memories haunted us through our childhood as he use to take out his anger and emotions on the road. Whenever we went on holiday as a family, we were the one's sitting in our family car that was causing a long line of traffic as my Dad drove purposely slowly to upset everyone on the road until each car took over and yelled abuse out the window, I remember ducking down and hiding.

That is how it all started for me retreating into my comfort shell as each time my dad had a bad moment on the road I felt so embarrassed and ashamed and my mum would cry and I would just feel so bad, It was very difficult for us to have happy times as a family as each time we would go out to pizza hut to have dinner which was not very often something would go wrong my dad would not receive his meal in time and he would stand out and shout and scream at the waitress for no reason and myself, my sister and brother and my Mum would all look the other way it was awfully embarrassing thanks Dad Yeap for ruining our family dinner.

He would never take responsibility and as I grew up and became a teenager, he got worse, he got depressed, he lost another job and would just stay in his room. By this time my mum had aged she had lost her looks, he was not attracted to her anymore and he would confide in me I am going to leave your mum for another woman a younger women, he would tell me and then walk away not realizing every time he said that he broke my heart as I loved my Mum so much as I saw how hard she worked to pay our bills, some nights she did not sleep she would sew all night just to earn more money so we could have food on the table.

My dad would not let his fantasies of a younger woman go and it broke my mums heart and mine as our family started to fall apart, I loved school that was what kept me going as all my friends parents were also breaking up I formed a little pinkies club I wanted to be a dancer like Oliver Newton John, I was in the dance group at school I was miss popular, I became school captain my dad never shared how proud he was of me, he would only criticize me for making a mess a home for another school project I was the thorn in his side. All he wanted was a younger woman

Fragility sense of self, moment of calm. I am a visionary I am a creative, build a new world

The body is changing its consciousness too, different body patterns body shifts alchemy, have a new relationship with my body physicality, help myself sleep

Moment of calm, take of myself, look after myself, my body is asking me for attention it’s true going through shifts, got to get myself checked out, so I am not neglecting myself body neglect I deserve to look after my body, small achievable goals every day my body is changing